Thomas Haldenwang, head of Germany’s domestic intelligence service BfV, has been raising eyebrows by appearing in public wearing a tie covered with Stars of David, the Israeli national symbol. Some observers have interpreted Haldenwang’s sartorial chutzpah as a gesture of solidarity with Israel’s “right to rape” movement.
But German intelligence sources have now revealed the tie’s real significance: It comes with cyber-controlled nano-fibers that will automatically contract and strangle him if he says the word “gen*cide.”
Designed by Unit 8200, the legendary Israeli technical services division famous for maiming and murdering random people via exploding consumer electronics, the tie includes a hidden microphone driven by AI so sensitive that it can pick up mere thoughts, or even just vague intentions, of using the taboo expression.
According to intelligence sources, all Western leaders are being fitted for similar ties, and will be forced to wear them in by midsummer at the latest.
